Sibling rivalry can feel like a constant part of parenting. As soon as another child joins the family, it’s common for competition, jealousy and conflict to start popping up between siblings.
While sibling rivalry is natural, it can leave you feeling a bit stressed as a parent. The good news is there are easy ways to guide your kids toward a healthier, friendlier relationship.
With the help of Banner Health practicing psychiatrist Adeola Adelayo, MD, you can better understand what sibling rivalry is, the signs to watch for and how you can help your kids learn to get along.
What is sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is a natural developmental stage — especially when kids are close in age.
“This can be more pronounced when siblings are close in age, where a two-year or even an 18-month age gap can lead to more frequent clashes and competition,” Dr. Adelayo said. “When there is a larger age gap, older siblings often are more nurturing and affectionate, as they’re not directly competing for the same level of attention.”
There’s also a natural evolutionary side to sibling rivalry. Kids crave attention from their parents. Kids compete because, in their minds, winning a parent’s attention might mean getting their needs met faster.
“When a new sibling arrives, it’s natural for your older child to feel territorial or resentful,” Dr. Adelayo said. “After all, up until the new addition to your family, they had your undivided attention. Now, suddenly, they have to share it with someone new. This can be a big adjustment.”
Signs of sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry can show up in many ways, depending on each child’s age and personality. Here are some common signs to look for:
- Constant arguing or bickering: Kids may argue over anything, even small things like who sits where at the dinner table. You might hear “That’s my spot!” or “I had the toy first!”
- Complaining or tattling: If one child frequently reports their sibling’s every move to you, they might be seeking validation. They may say things like “She won’t let me play with her toys!” or “He’s being mean to me again.”
- Physical fights: Pushing, hitting, biting or grabbing toys from each other is a common sign, especially in younger kids.
- Competition for praise: Statements like “I’m better at this than my brother!” show a need to stand out.
- Attention-seeking behaviors: Kids might act out or demand attention when they feel left out or overshadowed by a sibling. You might notice one child interrupting your conversation with their brother or sister by saying “Look at me!” or “Watch what I can do!” to get your attention. [Check out: 9 Signs Your Child Is Starving for Your Attention.]
- Sulking or withdrawing: If a child often seems withdrawn or upset after interactions with their sibling, it may be due to rivalry or jealousy.
These behaviors are normal but can indicate your child is feeling insecure or worried about their place in the family. Recognizing these signs can help you guide them in a positive direction.
Tips for encouraging harmony between your children
1. Don’t take sides
One of the best ways to manage sibling rivalry is to avoid taking sides.
“Instead of labeling one child as right or wrong, focus on helping each child express their feelings,” Dr. Adelayo said. “Listen to both sides and guide them toward a fair resolution. Taking sides can make the rivalry worse.”
2. Avoid comparisons
It’s tempting to use one child as an example to encourage the other, but this can create resentment. “Comparing your children can lead to long-term feelings of favoritism or inferiority,” Dr. Adelayo said.
Instead, celebrate each child’s unique strengths and make a conscious effort to be consistent in setting expectations. When children feel valued for who they are, they’re less likely to resent each other.
3. Give each child special attention
“One-on-one time with each child helps them feel valued,” Dr. Adelayo said. “It’s important to schedule individual time with each child and let them know when their special time with you will be.”
Take a few minutes each day to do something special with each child, whether it’s reading a story, playing a game or simply talking. This time reassures them that they’re important to you and you can avoid potential jealousy triggers.
4. Encourage teamwork
Give your kids chances to work together. This could be a simple chore, a game or a project where they help each other. For example, they could work together to set the table or make a fun craft. When kids work as a team, they learn to cooperate and build a stronger bond.
5. Set clear family rules
Make sure your children know that certain behaviors, like hitting or name calling, aren’t allowed. Explain that being kind and respectful is important for everyone. Be consistent with each child.
“When everyone follows the same rules, children feel treated fairly, which helps reduce rivalry,” Dr. Adelayo said.
6. Praise positive interactions
When you catch your kids getting along or showing kindness, praise them for it. Say something like “I love how nicely you two shared!” or “Thanks for helping each other.” This helps reinforce good behavior and encourages them to do it more.
7. Let them work out minor conflicts
“It can be helpful to allow your children to resolve minor disagreements independently, as long as it’s safe,” Dr. Adelayo said. “This helps them build problem-solving skills and realize they don’t always need an adult to intervene.”
Sometimes, after an argument, kids naturally move past it and find something fun to do together. Teaching your children to solve conflicts gives them confidence and helps them develop lifelong relationship skills.
8. Know when to step in
Not every argument needs your attention. However, if things get heated or physical, step in calmly to prevent harm. Address the issue without taking sides and guide them toward a peaceful solution.
9. Support individual interests
Each child is unique. Encourage them to explore their own hobbies or interests. This helps them feel confident in who they are, reducing the need to compete with their sibling.
“When kids feel good about their own talents, they’re less likely to feel jealous or compare themselves,” Dr. Adelayo said.
10. Be a role model
Kids learn from watching you. By showing respect, patience and empathy in your interactions with others, you’re setting a positive example. Small acts of kindness between you and others leave a big impact on how your kids treat each other.
Takeaway
Sibling rivalry can feel exhausting but remember that it’s a normal part of family life. With patience and the right tools, you can help your kids form a healthy, positive relationship that lasts.
By teaching communication skills, setting boundaries and celebrating each child’s unique strengths, you’re giving them a foundation for a strong sibling bond. Over time, they’ll learn to see each other not as rivals but as teammates.
